


Dear Ben

by Swan_Song



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Diary/Journal, Juno writes Ben letters to cope, Letters, Other, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Past Relationship(s), Self-Hatred, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22899370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swan_Song/pseuds/Swan_Song
Summary: When he was twenty years old, Juno was gifted a notebook by his secretary. He mentioned that there was someone he missed, someone he can never see again, and she offered him to write letters to them. With Juno's dedication to avoid his problems instead of dealing with them, twenty years worth of letters isn't much. But maybe it's enough to get a look into his head.
Relationships: Benzaiten Steel & Juno Steel, Diamond/Juno Steel, Mick Mercury & Juno Steel & Sasha Wire, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita & Juno Steel
Comments: 10
Kudos: 118





	Dear Ben

_ Dear Ben.  _

_ It feels weird, writing to you like this. These letters are a stupid idea, why did I listen to Rita about this? I’ll give it a go anyway. It’s… it’s been a year, Benten. A year since you died, and… I miss you. I miss you so bad. I can’t stop seeing you on the floor, like I found you after I came home.  _

_ Snap out of it Juno. This isn’t what these are for.  _

_ In the last year I managed to graduate from the police academy. So I’m a cop now. Sasha is too. It’s not as good as the dream, being the “good cop” with so many others being dirty, but we do our best. We try to help people, even if it’s hard.  _

_ I killed someone, Ben. I didn’t mean to, but it came down to a fistfight and I knocked him into a corner. I can still see all the blood and brain scattered around as he split his skull open like that. It was pretty horrifying. It’s not the first time someone died because of me, I mean, you know what happened to Annie, and it’s probably going to haunt me for the rest of my life, but this time it was  _ **_my hands_ ** _ , Ben. The blood is literally on my hands. _

_ … anyway, that wasn’t that fun.  _

_ I also met two little assholes in a bar the other night, one thing lead to another and now I spend time with the heirs of the Kanagawa empire every other night. Cecil’s a complete sadist, and Cass is just an asshole, but they’re good enough company to get blackout drunk with, and they’re sure fun at parties. I met them in a bar while I was trying to drink myself under the table. A couple of fifteen years old rich kids who came to pick a fight or get drunk or just cause trouble. Ended up punching Cecil in the face that night, and we’ve been friends ever since.  _

_ They’re pretty good friends all things considered.  _

_ There’s a lot I want to tell you. It’s been a long year, but when I sit down to write it, it’s like… like I can’t remember them.  _

_ I’ll write again later.  _

_ *** _

_ Hi Ben, it’s… it’s been a few months since the last one.  _

_ You're not going to like this one.  _

_ I… I started taking pills. I didn’t really mean to at first, but then… Ben, it’s the only way I manage to relax. I feel like I’m at home again, I know she’s in jail but it’s like I’m watching ma do the same and waste all our food money on drugs but it’s just… _

_ It numbs it a little. I manage to breathe when I do it. Relax. Even have fun sometimes. Drinking doesn’t do that for me, not that much at least. You know how I am when I get drunk, I start wallowing in self pity and don’t stop. At least this way I manage to forget what a shitty person I am every now and then.  _

_ I can practically hear you tell me I’m an idiot. Save the lecture, I already got it from Sasha when she found out. I’m a goddamn adult, okay? I can make my own damn fucked up life choices.  _

_ … I’m also seeing someone, so that’s a thing that happened.  _

_ Their name is Diamond. They’re 25, also in the police. It started as a one time thing, but now… I don’t know, it’s getting serious. They’re really good to me. They’ve been… really patient, since we met. I think this might actually work.  _

_ God I’m a mess. Also drunk.  _

_ I’ll write again. Probably.  _

_ *** _

_ Ma died. I’m… not sure how I feel about that.  _

_ Scratch that, I know exactly how I feel. Fucking fantastic. She killed you, and now she’s dead, and I’ll never have to see her again. I’m happy.  _

_ I should be happy.  _

_ I just feel empty, honestly.  _

_ Diamond’s saying I’m being too dramatic, trying to drown myself in work. Cass and Cecil agree, and I never thought that would happen. I’m going out with Sasha and Mick tonight, Mick said he’s going to try and cheer me up, but honestly, I’m just going to prove the Pour & Floor’s reputation correct and get so drunk on the most disgusting shit they have that I drop to the floor.  _

_ This city’s rotten, Ben. It’s rotten to the core and everything about it is disgusting. I’m… I’m fighting against the tides with the police and with the criminals, and with the politicians, and it doesn’t seem like I can make a difference.  _

_ Sasha’s still fighting with me, which is… good. And Mick’s being the same as usual, meaning I have to bail him out of trouble every other week. I’m worried that one day I’ll get there and have to bail out a corpse.  _

_ I miss you. You’d know what to say.  _

_ *** _

_ Happy birthday, Benten.  _

_ I tried to dance again.  _

_ I don’t think I can do it without you.  _

_ *** _

_ Diamond and I moved in together.  _

_ I love them. And they love me. It’s… they’re amazing. It’s just that I can’t seem to be able to have something good without fucking it up. I know it’s my fault, I know that, but we just keep fighting and I keep making them angry. I don’t understand why they keep forgiving me.  _

_ I don’t deserve them.  _

_ Mick and Sasha say they’re getting worried. Rita too, she’s… every time I come to work, she gives me that look. You know the kind of look, the one Sasha gave me when we showed up at her house covered with sludge and cigarette burns, and I tried to tell her we just got into a fight with the neighbour. Like she knows what’s going on but doesn’t want to push me into admitting it.  _

_ Well, she doesn’t. I know what’s going through her head. She’s thinking this is some abuse situation. Like they’re hurting me and I’m some victim. I know what abuse is like and that ain’t it.  _

_ I’m just a piece of shit getting what he deserves.  _

_ I’m at work a lot, and when I’m not I go out with Cecil and Cass. They know the best parties around. They… they’ve been helping pull me out of those slumps I fall into. Yeah, usually pulling me out involves pills and whiskey, but it works, y’know? _

_ *** _

_ I don’t hang out with Sasha and Mick too much anymore. I kinda miss them, but… Diamond doesn’t really like them, and I give them a hard enough time. I’m a fucking mess, Ben, and I’m only spiralling downwards. I became such a shitty partner they actually had to punch me in the face.  _

_ I mean, hey, I’d punch me in the face too.  _

_ I see  _ _ ma _ _ Sarah every time I look in the mirror. Every time I get into a fight. Every time I take those goddamn pills that I can’t stop taking because they’re the only way I manage to feel something that isn’t disgust with myself.  _

_ I didn’t take anything else though. I didn’t fall this low yet. Just the same old pills.  _

_ Rita keeps trying to offer me help, and I mean, she’s my secretary, helping is kind of her job, but not in this. Not… not this thing.  _

_ I’m really trying to change, Ben. But things are just too much.  _

_ I went to the old ammunition factory today on a case. Falco’s been making a bunch of dumb jokes and I clocked them in the face. They had it coming, but… _

_ Do you think I’m going to turn out like her? _

_ *** _

_ Can’t believe this old thing’s still here.  _

_ Okay, that’s a lie, I just… haven’t really been able to write this lately. After that last one I got into a series of… bad cases. Really bad. I’ve also been investigating people inside the force, and it’s… it’s not easy. They’re not exactly my friend, who’s going to befriend the guy who’s trying to get them locked up for their corruption? But they’re still people I know. I even almost like some of them.  _

_ It’s been more than a year since the last time I wrote here. It’s November, which means… Annie. It’s the anniversary tomorrow, and I’m going to get drunk with Mick this time. Fuck what Diamond says. I’ve barely seen him in a year except to bail him out when his schemes didn’t work out. I… I’ll never say it out loud but I miss him. Sasha and I work in the same space and We barely get more than a “hello” in. I think she’s insulted, but… there’s nothing much I can do. She quit drinking, too. She’s… I think she’s working towards something, but you know Sasha. She doesn’t tell anyone stuff like that. Hell, even when we were actually close she didn’t tell me she wants to apply to the police academy until she had no other choice.  _

_ I just hope whatever it is makes her happy.  _

_ Diamond and I have been getting into a… I guess it’s a routine, in the last year. We’d argue, get into a fight, punch the living shit out of each other for a couple minutes then make up. Rinse and repeat. I deserve it, I’m riling them up on purpose, or I’m being too much of an asshole.  _

_ We’re actually getting married soon. I already got the wedding dress and all. I wish you could see it.  _

_ I wish you could be there with me.  _

_ I never thought I’d get this far.  _

_ *** _

_ Of course the universe has to screw me over. Of fucking course. Why did I even think this will be any different.  _

_ I just got a promotion, and on my first goddamn day as squad captain, guess what I did? Botch a case so hard I got fired, lost every goddamn bit of trust anyone in the force had in me, and almost got my teeth kicked in by my own fucking partner.  _

_ Then I came home.  _

_ And Diamond found my investigation files.  _

_ They found out I’ve been investigating the force. Found out I investigated them, and knew exactly how corrupt they are.  _

_ Nothing mattered to them.  _

_ I was out of the force, I was fucking devastated, and I never,  _ **_ever_ ** _ planned on turning them in. Hell, I tried to give the captain evidence about almost everyone else. Except Diamond. Because I loved them.  _

_ I guess I deserved it. Don’t think I’ll be able to open my right eye for a while. My nose definitely broke again, and my ribs are trying to kill me. But I get why they did it. It’s my fault. And still... _

_ I can’t bring myself to throw the wedding dress.  _

_ *** _

_ See you soon, Benten. Wait for me. _

_ *** _

_ Remember when we were 14 and you decided to quit drinking? Ma’s been locked up in her room for a long time with a bottle, and you decided that you’re not going to end up like that, so you just quit?  _

_ I remember. I remember holding you through withdrawal. You were hallucinating, and I couldn’t… I couldn’t leave you. Not even to get up and make food. Sasha actually came over with some food her dad made, I think it was some kind of soup, just to make sure that we’re okay. Mick stayed over too. One time ma came out of her room for a little while, and he had to hide in the closet so she wouldn’t find him there. You came out the other side, but I… I think it was one of the scariest moments in my life until then.  _

_ … I overdosed a few months ago.  _

_ It’s just… everything was too much. It was too much and I kept feeling like… like the only good thing I can do for anyone is just… die. And I wanted to. Ben, I woke up in the hospital and I felt  _ **_disappointed_ ** _. How messed up do you need to be to feel disappointed for not being dead? _

_ I just wanted everything gone.  _

_ Instead I fucked up my insides even more and probably ruined my relationship with one of my best friends in the whole world.  _

_ Way to go, Juno.  _

_ Mick found me. From what I gathered later, I called him when the drugs just started kicking in, and he rushed over and got me to the hospital. Saved my life, like anyone asked him to.  _

_ When I woke up both Sasha and Mick were there. She barely even let me understand where I was before she started tearing into me for being stupid and reckless. I got defensive, started yelling back as much as I could, then she stormed out. She left Mars hours later. She’s in Dark Matters now. I don’t think I’m going to see her again. I fucked that up completely.  _

_ Anyway, withdrawal sucks. Hard. I… I sort of pushed Mick away when he was trying to help me. Left the hospital early and locked myself up in my apartment. I’m pretty sure the only reason I survived through this is because Rita broke into my apartment and refused to let me stay alone.  _

_ I’m not going to touch those drugs again. Ever. I… seeing Mick’s face when I woke up… I’m not doing that to him again. I can’t.  _

_ I guess you’ll have to wait for me a bit longer.  _

_ Hopefully not too long.  _

_ *** _

_ This old thing is… wow, I genuinely didn’t expect to see it again. I thought I threw it away during a cleanup or something. I record most of my confessions these days. Monologuing out loud is pretty releasing.  _

_ … You’d know all about that.  _

_ Guess, if I’m writing here again, I should tell you how the last fifteen years have been.  _

_ The short answer? Weird.  _

_ The long one? _

_ Well, not long after that last letter, I became a PI. Rita said she’ll be my “investor”. She’s actually the one who registered me. She quit her work with the police and said she wants to keep working with me. I know, stupid decision, but she’s been doing it for a while, and it doesn’t look like she’s planning to stop any time soon.  _

_ … two years after that I fell back on old habits, went on a months long bender, and opened so much debt I worked for Valles Vicky for ten years just to repay it. Mugged the president of Venus. Fun stuff. Don’t worry, no drugs involved. Not really important anyway. Fell out of touch with Cecil and Cassandra after… that, then got back in contact with them a few years later when Cass went to rehab, then fell out of touch again, and now… _

_ Now I had to get Cass arrested for a murder I know her stepmother planned.  _

_ I’ll get to that.  _

_ Anyway, talked to Sasha for the first time in fifteen years yesterday. She’s doing good. Pretty high up the ranks in Dark Matters, didn’t expect anything else from her.  _

_ Sent me a case, too. Croesus Kanagawa was murdered, and guess what was above his body? A note, written in blood, talking about how I’m next. And the fastest way to get me somewhere is a death threat. Along with the case, Sasha sent me an agent who was supposed to help me with the case, and turned out to be a thief using it to steal something.  _

_ Using  _ **_me_ ** _ to steal something.  _

_ The worst thing? I trusted him. I genuinely trusted him, Ben, and now all I have is a note and the stupid smell of his cologne. The man stole my safe keys, the murder weapon, and… yeah. He managed to escape from the police, too. Left the two officers naked and hogtied by the side of the road.  _

_ It’s funny, you know? How someone who’s been in your life for less than a full day can mean so much. How much their betrayal can hurt.  _

_ I think I’ll pick up writing here again.  _

_ I miss you.  _

_ *** _

_ The world’s going crazy, Benten. Teleporters, ancient Martian pills… I don’t know what the hell is going on. But I don’t know what’s going on. I think there’s something bigger than just this going on. Maybe a conspiracy? I hate to be that guy, but I feel like I have to. More and more Martian stuff keeps popping up, getting taken… people died. I couldn’t save them.  _

_ … that guy from last time was there too. I could smell that cologne, I could hear his voice, I know he was there. Probably responsible for some of the stolen stuff if we're being honest here for a moment.  _

_ One of the things they were trying to steal was a pill. According to my client it’s supposed to give you psychic abilities, the real deal, but I can’t feel any of that. I did, when I just took it, but now… I was probably hallucinating. Or it was just for a short time.  _

_ … yeah, I did take a goddamn ancient pill. Yes, I know it’s stupid. Yes I know I’m an idiot. I just really couldn’t let it fall into the hands of whoever it was willing to kill for it.  _

_ Other than this wave of freaky new cases… nothing much happens here. But I still wish you were here.  _

_ *** _

_ I’m going to kill Sasha’s fucking direct superior.  _

_ Okay, that’s a lie but I  _ **_really want to_ ** _. He put the tree of us through actual hell for a fucking exam for her to pass. Mick got injured, we all relieved such fucked up trauma I actually thought… for a moment there I was sure Annie’s still alive. And I was sure Sasha was going to kill me. She had her blaster aimed at me, it makes sense, but… fuck, it was hard.  _

_ I should’ve known Mick can’t actually buy the drinks. He never does. Why did I believe it? And on Annie’s anniversary. He didn’t realise it, but I did. And Sasha did too. Then we were sent on a hell trip through all the shit we got Annie through before we… before she died. Plus murderous robots, because of course there will be murderous robots.  _

_ When it was all over, Sasha yelled at me that I keep making stuff about myself, when it’s not, then completely ignored me. I don’t blame her, I just… I wish I could change things. I wish I could do better. For her and for Mick. It’s too late for Annie but Sasha and Mick are still there. _

_ But I’m too much of a fuck up.  _

_ You’d know what to do here. You’d have just the right words, just the right smile to calm things down and help us get through.  _

_ I haven’t been able to dance since.  _

_ *** _

_ It’s been… a long few weeks.  _

_ It’s been just case after case, followed by… hell. It was absolute hell, Ben. First the police wouldn’t believe me or follow my leads even though I just gave them a free warning. Then it was Valles Vicky, who I needed a favour from and asked me to solve a case for her before. What started as car hijacking, turned into a ticking time bomb of a case with Vicky’s life on the line.  _

_ Once that was done, she called in a favour for me, to help me track whoever it is behind the theft of all those Martian artefacts, and that “favour” turned out to be the same guy who stole the mask from me. I… I wanted to say his name, but I can’t risk it. On the off chance that someone will ever read this, I can’t write it.  _

_ Not to mention that I don’t even deserve to know it.  _

_ I… I messed up there, Benten. This is probably the only place I’ll ever admit to it because I’m drunk, stupid and miserable right now, but I messed up so bad. I’m trying to tell myself I did the right thing, for the greater good, to help people, but I didn’t. I was a coward and I ran away and I hurt him.  _

_ He swiped me up on a heist, conning conmen and stealing the artefact before his former employer gets to it. I didn’t trust him in the beginning, didn’t want to, but… it changed. The more time we spent together, the more we worked together, the more I realised I care for him. I trust him.  _

_ And after all that, after he put his trust in me to protect the things he cares about, after we were imprisoned and tortured together for weeks, after… after we… after everything, I left him. In the middle of the night, in a hotel room, without even a note.  _

_ He called my name. Just before I left, he called my name. He was asleep, and he looked so… vulnerable. And I just left. I should’ve at least left a note. For a moment, I just wanted to come back to bed and run away with him into the stars like we planned to.  _

_ But I almost died, and I was actually disappointed. There was this bomb, ancient Martian, and his old employer wanted to activate it. And she did. So I locked him outside of the room her and I were in. I wanted him to survive and I believed there’s nothing I can do to make sure of that except for staying in with the bomb and the mad scientist.  _

_ I ended up surviving it but I didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to. I wanted to run with him, leave all of this behind, but… he would’ve learned, eventually. He would’ve seen how terrible I really am and it would’ve only been more painful for both of us.  _

_ I don’t have my eye. I don’t have my sharpshooting. I don’t have him. I have nothing, Ben. What’s the good of being alive if you got nothing to stay alive for? At this point I’m staying here out of habit and a futile attempt to clean some of the messes here.  _

_ Wish me luck. I’ll see you.  _

_ *** _

_ I started working with someone.  _

_ Okay, it’s more working for someone, but a lady can try to keep his dignity.  _

_ Ramses O’Flaherty, mayoral candidate in Hyperion City. I feel like… like he’s actually trying to make some change. Like he’s trying to do better for the people of this city. Clean it from the corruption.  _

_ He gave me a prosthetic eye too. I finally have my sharpshooting again. Maybe I can be just a little less useless. I… I’m trying. I’m trying my best to just do good for people. And I feel like this guy can do it.  _

_ He insisted that we meet at halcyon park. He definitely did his research on me. For some reason, every time I see him it’s like… it’s like I know him. Like we’ve met before. And there’s this buzzing in my head, like… like there’s something I forgot. Something important.  _

_ I just really hope that you’re happy, wherever you are.  _

_ *** _

_ I killed someone again today.  _

_ I didn’t mean to, but it doesn’t really matter, does it?  _

_ It doesn’t matter to her kid.  _

_ I can’t even try to compensate her with anything, because what do you say? What do I tell someone like that? “Hey, sorry I killed your mum, here’s some money”? I feel like a piece of shit.  _

_ She didn’t deserve to die like that.  _

_ Yeah, she killed three people, but… she was being paid off. She needed the money for her kid’s healthcare. Someone was using this thing she desperately needed to get her to do their dirty work.  _

_ My instinct seems to be “go for the kill”, no matter what. I saw an opportunity and I pushed her and I didn’t even realise she would die but I still killed her. Ma didn’t realise it was you but she still killed you and how is this any different? _

_ I’m getting more and more like her every day.  _

_ I’m drowning, Ben.  _

_ *** _

_ I tried to stay alive. I’m sorry.  _

_ *** _

_ I’m still alive. I’m still here. I was sure I will die but I didn’t.  _

_ O’Flaherty was… a scam. I thought I could trust him. I always did. Even then. Even… even Jack. But Jack Takano stole Andromeda from ma, and stole our lives from us, and then thought paying her up would be enough.  _

_ Like Sarah would ever take his money after that.  _

_ Or at all. She was never like that.  _

_ You know, it’s pretty funny, writing to you like that again. Honestly hilarious.  _

_ I saw you, you know? The big guy, he… he got that eye out of my brain. Ended up being a scam too, just like Takano. Mind control chip. That fucking asshole. I saw you, and I was sure the mystery I had to solve was… you. Your death. I thought there had to be something else, something I missed for the past twenty years. But there wasn’t.  _

_ You stayed because you saw the good in her. It cost you your life but it was your choice. I kept feeling that if only I dragged you away from there… _

_ But it isn’t it.  _

_ I found out what happened. “Turbo did it”, I finally found out what that meant. I found out why she blamed me for it.  _

_ Realised she wasn’t a monster after all.  _

_ Maybe I won’t feel this terrible about seeing her in me anymore.  _

_ I’m going somewhere and I’m not sure I’ll make it out alive. I guess it’s a goodbye? More of a “see you soon”, really. I don’t plan to die. I chose to live, and… I think I actually want it, too.  _

_ I love you Ben, but it’s going to be a while before we meet again.  _

_ I’m not dying any time soon.  _

_ *** _

_ Hey, it’s… it’s been some time again.  _

_ I have a lot to tell you.  _

_ First of all, I survived. That’s a surprised. I can’t thank Rita enough for that, she got me out of there.  _

_ O’Flaherty is dead, that also happened. Bastard died of a heart attack. Couldn’t even tell him off. I’m… weirdly okay with it, I think. Or at least, I made my peace with it.  _

_ I left Mars. Rita came with me. That big guy I talked about? Yeah, him and two women who… I’ll have to tell you about them at some point, but they’re really amazing. Vespa is less than thrilled about being around me, or anyone who isn’t Buddy, but Buddy is… well, she’s great. She helped me out when I… when I lost my will to live. She helped me pull myself up, and I’m grateful for it.  _

_ And there’s also… him.  _

_ The one person I thought I’ll never see again, the person I hurt so much I was sure he hates me, and was right too.  _

_ I won’t write his name. Again, I don’t want it to be out there if anyone finds this, though I doubt anyone will. But we talked. We… he said he’s willing to try again. I’m a lot different than the lady I was first time I met him. I’m not the same. I’m working hard on not being the same. And I know I hurt him, and that trust isn’t going to be magically fixed just because I changed and apologised. I’ve been around enough people who thought that.  _

_ But he’s willing to try again, and I’m willing to work as hard as it takes for it to succeed.  _

_ It’s not the same as Diamond. I’m not going to let anyone step over me, and I’m not… we’re not going to hurt each other. If it turns out like that, I’m leaving.  _

_ But I don’t think it would be.  _

_ I danced again, Ben. With him.  _

_ I think it would be okay. _

_ *** _

“What are you writing, Juno?” Peter Nureyev approached the lady leaned over the kitchen table. Juno looked up at him, a gentle half smile that made his heart stutter on his lips. 

“A letter. To someone that’s been gone for a while.” Nureyev couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at that. “Rita suggested it when I was twenty. I didn’t exactly keep up with it regularly, but it’s been there for a while.” Juno’s voice was fond and quiet, the old notebook clutched in his hands. 

“Who are you writing to?” Nureyev sat down besides him, curious. He never really knew when to stop prodding, and this time he had the feeling Juno wouldn’t snap at him. 

“Ben.” Juno paused, taking a deep breath. “My brother.” He explained 

Oh. 

That certainly explained it. 

Nureyev didn’t know much about Juno’s past, but he did know that his brother meant a lot to him. He knew that since the first day they met, with Cecil Kanagawa taunting him with the memory of his dead brother. 

“Does it help?” He decided to ask, voice uncharacteristically simple. He didn’t feel the need to wear a mask around Juno. When they were alone… these were the rare times Peter Nureyev was allowed to be just that. 

“A little. Didn’t help me miss him any less, but… it does help me keep my head organised. Breathe a little when there doesn’t really seem to be enough air around.” Juno’s voice was soft, and he didn’t look at Nureyev’s eyes. He seemed to be deep in thought. 

“Pete, darling, mind going to help Jet with inventory on weapons? Juno, Vespa could use your help in the infirmary too.” Buddy called from the navigator’s room. 

“Coming!” Juno called, putting the book down in his bag and sending a small smile at Nureyev. Their hands brushed against each other when he passed, and Nureyev remained stunned for a moment before going on for his own duties on board. 

It was later that night, when there was a knock on his door. He opened it to find Juno. He was wearing a large, soft sweater and sweatpants, his eyepatch still on and that same old notebook in his arms. 

“Mind if I come in?” He asked hesitantly, and Nureyev didn’t think twice before moving to allow him in, leading him to sit on the bed with him. “Hey, Nureyev? I’ve been thinking.” He started, hesitating. 

“You appear to do that occasionally, Juno. About anything in particular?” He asked, amused. Juno rolled his eye, shaking his head. He wasn’t really annoyed just like Nureyev wasn’t really mocking him. 

“It’s about… the tomb.” The lights seemed to dim as they both thought about the tomb under the Martian desert. Nureyev waited, not sure if he should reach out to his… to Juno. If he should put a hand on his shoulder or pull him into his arms or just… usually he was better at that. He was confident and suave and knew exactly what to do or say. 

But with Juno? With the one person he actually wanted to get close to, to open up to again?

He was as lost as a fish out of water. 

“Back there, you… you let me into your memories” he continued. Nureyev could feel a monologue approaching and he couldn’t care less. Juno’s monologues were precious to him, a rare glance into his mind. “I’m not just talking about what Miasma made us do. When she finally let us go, you still allowed me to look into your head. I can’t exactly give you the same thing, since none of us has a Martian tumour in his brain, but…” he turned to look at Nureyev, the book in his hands as he offered it to him. 

“If you want to… I’d like you to read this. It’s pretty much the closest thing to my unfiltered thoughts that I can possibly let you see.” He was serious about it. Nureyev could see it in his eye. He always wore his emotions out in the open, after all, and it appeared much more prominent when it was just the two of them. Like he made the deliberate choice to be as open as possible with him. And maybe he did. 

“I can’t ask for that, Juno. Didn’t you say these are letters you wrote for your brother?” He asked, sincere. He didn’t want Juno to feel pressured into something like this. “You shouldn’t feel obligated to do this just because I let you into my mind once, Juno. It was a gift.” His voice was quiet as he stared down at the worn notebook. 

“And so is this, Nureyev. My brother’s dead, he’s not going to read these. Trust me, I put a lot of thought into this. Some stuff in there… well, let’s just say that reading this would give you a pretty good idea of just how messed up I am. But if you want to know who Juno Steel is, from the beginning… it’s a good place to start. I want you to know me, Nureyev.” Hearing his name on Juno’s lips meant the world to him. It sounded soft, loved and revered. When he only gave it to him, Juno didn’t realise the value of the gift he was given, just how much it all meant for Nureyev. But now he seemed to treat it carefully, cherish it even though he was allowed to freely hold it. 

“I do know you, Juno. Or rather, I am getting to know you again. I am learning who you are now. Who you were… it isn’t you anymore, just like I am not the same person I was. And still… thank you. I will cherish it.” He said honestly, taking the book. Their hands touched for a few long moments as they held the book. Nureyev decided to take these memories as a gift too. Juno was offering him this thing that meant a lot to him, and he will treat it with the respect it deserves. 

He took the book and opened it, looking at Juno as if asking  _ is this okay? Can I read this with you here? _

As Juno didn’t move to leave, Nureyev started reading. He was determined not to look at Juno as he read, just like Juno didn’t look at him as he read his memories. Things were easier that way. 

Juno made himself busy, sitting besides him on the bed. He scrolled through his comms, reading news from Hyperion or doing whatever. Slowly, the two of them migrated to lie in the bed side by side, elbows touching. Nureyev read it all, taking it in. The grief and heartbreak. The drugs. The pain. The betrayal, over and over. 

The death wishes. 

God, Juno…

Nureyev knew, of course, that Juno had less than pleasant thoughts in his mind. He knew that. He’s seen Juno in a bad place, locking himself up with a bomb and saying his goodbyes. Nureyev himself almost died that day, or at least that’s what his heart felt like as he banged on the bunker door frantically, begging Juno to get out, to open the door, to save himself. Running in once the bomb went off, finding Juno disoriented on the floor in what he only realised much later was not just the result of the bomb, but of his own mind trying to escape the reality of his life. 

But this, reading in Juno’s handwriting how he attempted to end his own life, how little value he put on himself… it was painful. He wanted to pull his love close, hold him in his arms and not let go for a long time. But he couldn’t. He owed him to read it all. 

Then there was the part about him. First the betrayal of their first meeting, as Nureyev escaped with a key and a mask and Juno was left with a note and Nureyev’s heart, not that he ever knew it. Then their next not-meeting, the pill and the warehouse and Juno unable to let go. 

And then Angstrum and the Utgard Extress and Miasma. Weeks of torture in the desert and an eye lost and a bomb and once again this wish to just cease existing. The guilt he felt over running away, and the thought that if Nureyev knew what he felt, who he was, he would stop loving him. It was a ridiculous notion, but Nureyev knew how serious Juno took it. How afraid he must’ve been. 

He heard him call his name. He heard him begging for him to stay. 

He couldn’t take it anymore. He reached a hand to Juno. Their fingers fit together perfectly, and the thief squeezed his hand gently. He looked up at Juno,  _ his _ Juno, with a request that was almost a plea, really. And Juno answered, a quiet  _ please _ written on his face. And Nureyev lay his head down on Juno’s chest, listening to his heartbeats. 

Juno asked for that in the tomb. He would only manage to get some rest laying his head on Nureyev’s chest, assuring himself that the man locked in with him was still alive. Still breathing. Nureyev missed this. The slow beat was picking up, just a little, and he couldn’t help but smile a little. He took a few deep breaths, just soaking in the feeling of Juno, alive and  _ there _ . 

“That bad, huh?” Juno’s whisper would’ve sounded amused if Nureyev couldn’t hear his breath rattling in his chest, shaky and uncertain. 

“I’m just trying to cherish this memory.” He answered honestly. What Juno heard after was  _ in case you leave again _ , but the real underlying emotion, in Nureyev’s eyes, was  _ in case we don’t make it _ . Juno was hesitant, hand slow, as he put his arm around Nureyev’s shoulders, like he was afraid of his reaction. Nureyev, almost involuntarily, melted into the strong arm around him. Touch, at least the kind of touch he wanted and cherished, wasn’t something Peter Nureyev got a lot of. Yes, he was touched occasionally on missions, hugging strangers and targets or dancing so close he could smell their breath. Sometimes he’d even go a bit further for a heist. But he never cherished those touches. He let them phase through him, feeling like a ghost attached to his own body only in tethered strings. 

But Juno’s touch? That one he wanted to be here for. Every one of Juno’s touches, even accidental, sent sparks pulsing through his skin. He felt pathetic, longing for even the most casual affections from someone he had so much baggage with. Someone who he should, by all means, still even mildly distrust. But he didn’t. He was hopelessly devoted to this lady who he wasn’t quite sure loved him the same. 

Sounds a bit foolish considering he offered him his most painful memories and was currently holding him close to his chest, but… 

He kept reading. And then he reached the last letter. Here, on the ship. Juno sounded happier. Calmer. More free. He wrote this after their conversation, after the Zolotovna heist. He sounded so determined to make this work, to be better. 

“I didn’t know that dance meant so much to you.” He said quietly, putting the notebook down and resting his hand on Juno’s. 

“Yeah, it…” Juno’s voice faded slowly, like he was trying to figure out what to say. “Ben taught me how to dance. I… I couldn’t really do it since he died, not really. Until then.” He said quietly. Nureyev’s hand rubbed circles into the back of his hand, gentle and rhythmic. 

“I must say, you’ve maintained quite an admirable level of skill.” He partially slipped into one of his masks.  _ Which one is it? Rex? Or is this one Duke? _ He thought bitterly. He ran for his masks so often they were a second skin for him. One he couldn’t always lose. “I’m sorry, just… a habit.” He didn’t slip completely though. Just a hint of manufactured courage to hide his fear. Juno appeared to understand. 

“It’s okay.” He said softly, hand moving to Nureyev’s hair. I was like he felt his vulnerability, and tried to answer with comfort. Nureyev allowed himself to lean into it. Take as much as he could before Either of them leaves. 

He wondered if Juno is thinking the same thing. 

He decided to make a move. 

“You are… you are welcome to stay here, if you wish.” He said softly, hearing Juno’s breath hitch. He froze for a moment, and Nureyev started fearing that he moved too fast, that he chased Juno away again. 

“Are you sure?” Juno’s voice was gentle, hesitant. Like  _ he _ was the one unsure. “I don’t want to… I don’t want to pressure you into anything. It doesn’t have to happen if you don’t want to.” He was vulnerable. Honest. And Nureyev just wanted to laugh. 

“Oh Juno…” his voice was soft, full of all the love he could possibly put in just his name. He wanted to add more, wanted to assure him that yes, this is what he wants, but he couldn’t. Not when he looked up at Juno’s face, seeing the love and care etched into every feature of his face, shining in his eye. 

And then Juno smiled softly, cupping Nureyev’s cheek in his hand, raising himself on one elbow to close the gap between them and press a kiss into his lips. He gave him plenty of time to back away, to say no, to reject him, but Nureyev pushed forward into it, leaning into the chapped lips and the taste of whiskey. He didn’t see drunk, so it must’ve been just a swig if liquid courage that he took, bracing himself to expose everything to someone he for some reason thought could ever hate him. 

“Please stay, Juno…” Nureyev breath out, looking into his lover’s one eye. And how good it felt, to think of Juno as his lover again. And Juno nodded, arm wrapping around the thief who buried his name only to gift it to this single person and no one else, pulling him back to the bed. 

Peter Nureyev woke up warm this time. He didn’t need to search, because the lady whose arms he fell asleep in still had his arms around him. He was asleep, and for a moment the petty part of Nureyev’s mind toyed with the idea of getting up, leaving Juno alone in the bed to give him a taste of his own medicine. 

And then the rest of his mind kicked in with overwhelming love for Juno, care and gentleness as he moved to lay his head back on his chest, holding him close and breathing him in. 

And this time, they both stayed. 

**Author's Note:**

> As celebration of my exam period finally being over, I'm posting this thing I've been working on for my entire exam period. Expect more content, hopefully, as I have over two weeks of complete freedom.


End file.
